Shit. Where do I start?
There is a massive dichotomy between how I see myself and who I really am. On the inside, I have an image of me that I actually believe myself to be - the environmental warrior, the freedom fighter, the healer, the nurturer, the earth mother, creative, expressive and artistic. This week I realised that its all bullshit. How I live my life, the actions I take and the decisions I make every day are not in alignment with those values. I am not that person - really. And I have become an artist - thats right a bullshit artist. I create for the people around me the image of who I want them to think I am. Its not even difficult, people are quick to generalise and even faster to assume.
For example, I have been called an "Earth Mother" and "Activist for the planet" but I have been to only ONE environmental rally in my life. Oh, and one May day rally, even though it took me until 3 or 4 years later to understnd what MayDay is about (Im still quite certain that I dont really get it). Sure I recycle, but not all things and only a percentage of the time. The healer? I am the most broken person I know - and I smoke. The nurturer - how I treat my friends is apalling (unless you're flavour of the month or have done the hard yards). The freedom fighter - bullshit, all bark and no bite. Creative? Sure, only until someone notices. Expressive? Sure! I can "tell you something for nothing". Artistic? Rarely. Its all bullshit! Its all an illusion!
My point is that - I am not that. The image of me I have created in my mind, in my beliefs are wonky. I really need to get real!
But its tough because I am so entirely STUBBORN. Oh yes. I am STUBBORN. Oh yes, I like my little world with its security nets and lack of responsability. "No problem" is my motto - just dont try to change my mind, dont rock the boat or I get all sad and weepy or enraged to the pont of self destruction. To have understood these things I have dragged myself over emotional landscapes of rock and ice, through torment, pain, hangover after hangover, suicidal thoughts - how I LOVE TO SUFFER!... and only now that I am amidst people who are more stubborn than I am - people who dont mind beating you repeatedly over the head with opinion and "how things should be done" can I see that maybe... just maybe... MY way isnt the ONLY way.
But not only that, MAYBE someone else's way is actully more beneficial and ... God forbid... BETTER? *gasp* Its not that they worship money because they treat their clothes well, its simply because it feels nice to look nice and why treat anything poorly and have it likely fail on you or not serve you as well as it could, when you can treat it well and it can serve you for years. why do I leave my clothes strewn around, when I could hang them up and have them look nicer for longer? Why have I trashed two cars that I didnt even buy? Why do I have nothing to my name except a bicycle?
Why? Point three: I am LAZY. Oh yes. To the bone lazy. But the stubbornness in me says "But thats just the way I am, so what?" and the laziness in me says "I just dont want to do that right now - Im tired" or "I just cant COPE with facing that right now" any excuse when really Im just lazy. Invite me to your community function, invite me to your fundraising gig. I'll say "yes! of course! but not turn up. Creating the illusion, and so entirely lazy. Cant be bothered to make a difference.
All the while, the character inside my head that I believe myself to be is writing music and letter for Amnesty at the same time, but in reality I'm smoking a ciggarette and staring at the clouds.
But here's the clincher. The reason behind everything I do and dont do. The reality of me is that I DON'T CARE. Thats right - I dont give a shit. Not about politics, not about you or about me. I create an illusion of caring if I think you will be of use to me in some way - stroke my ego, someone to worship. That a high pedestal and Im either on it, or you are. I surrender myself so easily into people. Have you been one of them? Have I lost myself in you? Started to dress like you? Talk like you? Scary isnt it. Im like a cat - feed me and Im yours, but when the good stuff runs out Ill either bite you or go next door, or both. Its just a matter of time until you see who I really am and run for the hills. Happened before, will happen again.
I dont care about parties or presents or birthdays or xmas. I dont care about global warming or the seals or dolphins. I dont care about bills or deadlines or money becuase all those things have always been there and once one has passed, another will come so why bother caring (too lazy to care?). I do not, can not and will not get 'all fired up' about anything. All that committment just ends in hurt and disaster. Fuck it!
...but whats this underneath that I see... rage? A menacing, destructive and hateful rage. Sometimes I sit and smoke a ciggarette, watching the blue fume curl in the air and I sit and listen to myself scream. I scream on the inside, I drink to silence it and I smoke, I destroy the relationships I have around me, the jobs, the finances those seemingly "important" things, and all because on the inside - I am screaming with a terrorfying, hurtful rage...
... and pain. Im hurting. I hurting for the loss of my brother, the illness of the planet, the loss of my youth, the loss of good times and good friends, for the fact that I, myself can not change the world, for all the people without food or medicine, for animals that suffer, for women being murdered for being women...
So why would I bother caring? Why not sit like every other brother and wax lyrical and chase the green. Why not wait for this rage and sadness to swallow me whole from the inside? Why would I draw good things into my life when all I do is push them away, fuck them up? Why bother caring? Why bother doing?
This, ladies and gentlemen, is cynicism and resignation at its finest hour. This is layer upon layer of stuff - the beliefs I carry and the emotions I store. This is who I REALLY am underneath the facade I create for the world to see and decide what Im "like".
and standing in the face of it small chunks of it are falling away, and a small space is forming... just enough space for ... well... a potential job opportunity. While I have been writing this, I have received an email about a job that I have wanted for weeks. It looks like I have an interview! Thats the magick.
Maybe now I can start making 'it' about everyone and everything else and finally get my head out of my arse.
F
PS Lizzi, I think I just did the landmark forum all on my own?! :-/
