I have big ideas. Always have.
In year 6, when I was 10 years old, I got it into my head to design a machine which recycled paper - in one end, out the other ready to go. It was ambitious but important to me as I was coming to terms (as the rest of the world seemed to be) with the in the environmental demise of the planet and man's role in it.
It looked a lot like a big photocopier but had odd handles, leavers and a funnel for adding the water necessary to make the pulp. My 10 year old mind obviously had considered the dangers of mixing water with electricity, so the whole thing was designed to be manual. It was more environmentally friendly that way anyway.
Eventually, in the blueprint, the machine got so big and un-doable that the drafts fell by the wayside to create the beginning of the "ah - thats never going to happen" pile of big ideas.
Vege patches, perfumery, countless cubby houses even a social action envirnomentalist group called "the greenies" I put together with teacher approval but without their support, again when I was merely 10.
With great gusto and optimism, my imagination would create worlds within worlds of what I saw "should be" but without the advantage of being able to create mature or well thought out ideas in the planning and development stage. Without information, experience, eductaion or support, my gigantic 10 year old dreams floundered and eventually the gusto fizzled, withered and mutated into "dont bother - its not going to happen."
And it still creeps into my life today - the "dont bother" attitude. It sits on my shoulder and says its piece now and again, fueling my aleady inflated sence of self doubt. But Im learning to keep it in its place.
And then it mutated. When the environmental group withered and died (not after planting some trees and starting a can recycling deposit) I decided that what I thought actually didnt matter so much. that trying to save the planet on my own just simply wasnt going to happen (ie dont bother etc etc etc)... and what I had to say on the subject isnt going to make a difference...
But, you know... I am remembering n this moment that I did speak up. I attended environmentalist group meetings at the highschool, went on camps to learn about permaculture and sustainability, planted trees, studied Biology... but then what happened? Puberty? Boys? Music?
TBC
