La Zia and the case of the Giant Crap

Im sure its normal. Im sure it happens to everyone.

But today, it happened to me and that makes a biiiig difference.

I always get really nervous when Im babysitting, especially when its the daughter or son of someone I know. It seems that as you get older, people just assume that with an increase in maternity desire and waist girth comes this natural instinct, like all of a sudden you're a walking How To on child raising. You're old enough, you must know.

Well I don't and getting nervous just makes me feel ignorant and somewhat adolescent. Im not the girl next door, or down the road. You're not paying me to deal with tantrums, vomit and poop. And I didn't have to deal with any of that anyway. Oh, except the vomit - but that's another story.

Wiping another person's butt is bound to take some getting used to. Yes I know she's only two, but still... Fathers and Mothers in chorus now: "How can something so small produce so much sh*t?". Holy cow. As far as percentage of body weight goes - it is very impressive.

Andrea's niece is two. She's being toilet trained. This afternoon she was left in the hands of "the capable but somewhat terrified aunt" and "bis-nonno" her 86 year old great-grandfather. So when I saw her little brown friends pushing out of the sides of her new Hello Kitty knickers I knew it was going to be baptism by fire.

My first thought was "How the hell do you say 'Have you done a poo' in Italian?", but no time for that and what came out was "ahhhhhhhh crap!". I lifted her to her feet and she screamed so I let her walk to the toilet, following behind to watch for Hansel and Gretel style droppings. Got there without a trace. Phew!

Dacks to the floor and lift her to the seat. Mistake. In my panic I didnt notice that one side of her poop filled Hello Kitty knickers is still attached to her Hello Kitty sandals and before I can say anything, she's given her foot an almighty flick sending poop around the bathroom and on the back of her legs.

Fighting the urge to duck and cover, I plop her back down and look at her in astonishment. What the hell do I do now? She looks at me with those grey eyes and beams an intergalactic grin, pointing to the toilet paper. "Thats a bloody good idea" I think and grab a handful dabbing the walls. But as I do, she screams. I scoop up what I can and go to dispose of the ikkies in the loo, but that would mean lifting her. She's volatile - I know that much.

Ok. Im stressed out by this stage. I do something dumb. I give her the loaded paper and illustrate by mimic what to do with it: "Down there! Down there! I say". But no - the little sh*t, with sh*t in hand unravels the paper in one fell swoop, flicking it around the room again. Ive had enough. I grab it from her, do a quick clean and shove it down the loo. She screams - full tantrum this time pissing into the bottom of her unpinned jumpsuit. I pick her up by the armpits and we're face to face. She stops crying and points at my tattoo below my armpit. She stops wailing.

Eureka - DISTRACTION. She says sweetly "what is that?" in Italian. Somehow I understand it and answer "E una stampa" which means "it's a copy". Not correct but its the best I can do. Something kicks in. "Let's flush the toilet. You do it! Vai! vai!", "Come on! Let's wash your hands! Brava! Brava!". And while she's bent over the bidet (which works quite nicely as a child's basin, when the adults aren't using it), La Zia goes to work on her back end... and the backs of her legs... and the bits missed on the floor and walls.

Looking back in control now, Nonna arrives. "She's all yours Nonna" but she is now content - pantless, soggy and half a kilo lighter, playing with soap and chatting with herself quietly.

And there's no way in hell I'm going to try stopping her.

F
x

Ani Difranco - Coming Up

the slide...

Ubud 22nd March

I feel like a five year old standing at the top of a giant, enclosed and curly water slide out of some kids super water playground.

Clinging to the bars, watching the bigger, more experienced kids throw themselves into the unknown - its mesmerizing and terrifying. You know there will be moments where you slide too high and land on your ass, you know there will be dips and turns, you know you don't know whats coming - whats around the next bend.

But you know that if you don't just leap, you will never know what happens and where you end up. And by the time you're half way down you'll probably get the hang of not knowing and just go with the ride. Let go of control, of expectation and live moment to moment - and try not to choke on the water or come out bleeding.

I am still coming around the first bend, a few emotional bumps and scratches but holding on for the calm to come. Winding down, winding down. I didn't realise I was so tense!

And let's face it, there's no better place to be than where I am, right ...now.